This blog is a collection of a young woman's random thoughts, many tangents, and occasional
short stories and novel excerpts. Stay tuned for plenty of bull and brief moments of brilliance.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

It Makes Me Wonder

Suicide. To some, it's a dirty word that means you are sent straight to hell. To others, it's something that hits close to home, whether it's the loss of a family member or friend.

And for a small number of us, it is a reality that almost became our own.

(note, the girl I am referring to will be referred to as Alexia in all blog posts to protect identities) For years I refused to talk about my dark thoughts at the age of 13. After ten years of emotional abuse resulting in PTSD (which I am now beginning treatment for with EMDR), I thought there was no other choice. I was ashamed of my thoughts, but I would go to bed, dreaming of my funeral with a smile on my face. It scared me. I was afraid of myself. Without *Alexia, the girl who abused me, I had no friends. I couldn't explain what happened to me because huge chucks of my childhood were and are still missing that I've supressed. My physical health has also been affected, since those significant years of development were interrupted with extreme stress and pain. I could never figure out how to go about taking my life though, and in the end, my perfectionist nature prevented me from trying anything for fear that I would survive a botched attempt.

If my mother had not intervened, I would not be alive today. If she had not gotten me into therapy, I wouldn't have been able to give the eulogy at her funeral four years later. But most importantly, I wouldn't have been able to turn to her a couple weeks before she died and say to her, "Mommy, for the first time in my life, I'm truly happy."

So no, there is no way I can believe that God would damn someone with a mental illness to hell. People, unless you've been there, you cannot understand. I hate hearing people talk about it; their conclusions they jump to make me sick to my stomach.
"It's the most selfish thing a person can do."
"Didn't she think about how it would affect her family?"
"It's a cowardly move."
These statements make me quiver with anger. Selfish?! A person, who is so deep in despair that she sees no light at the end of the tunnel, selfish and a coward? When I hear about a young person taking his/her own life, it shakes me to my core. Depression is one of the hardest battles in a person's life. Parents struggle how to explain it to their child. Tell him, "She was sick and she died." THAT'S THE TRUTH. There is no blame except for the chemicals in her brain. No finger to point.

Luckily for me, I never made that final jump. I have so much to say and so many books I wish to write that taking my life would have been the wrong choice for me, and because of my mommy, I was able to pull myself up out of my pit of darkness and see the light. When I look outside and see the sunshine now, I see my future.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Oh Sun, Glorious Sun

Iowa City has been so gloomy lately, as has most of the Midwest during the winter season. As a Wisconsin native, specifically Milwaukee, I know winter. And frankly, even though I am a Wisconsinite, I hate hate hate winter. The fact that it is 50 degrees outside makes me want to jump up and down and scream at the top of my lungs. I already take enough "happy pills" as it is, but I swear I must also have a bit of seasonal depression. When I went outside today, I didn't feel like staying inside all day and crawling back underneath my covers (okay, maybe the second part is true...). Ha, this is a rather boring blog entry, but I really don't have anything to talk about today...
Maybe I will tomorrow! :)

Sunday, March 21, 2010

When's the Right Time?

Well, I've decided I'm not going to talk about my family too much; I don't want to say anything I may later regret! All I will say is that my mother, Sarah, passed away almost two years ago on April 11, 2008. What I will call the "original family" consists of me, dad, Stephie, and Nick. My dad is getting married in May to Kari and bringing the total number of people in this family to 9 with her 4 children: Brady, Ariel, DJ, and Jaida.

Today, I was thinking: when is the right time to "grow up"? Sure, it's something parents yell at you when they're pissed or something you wish would happen faster or slow down, but when is the right time? Different people say it happens at different times: Bar/Bah Mitzvah, first period, first time masterbating (no joke, this is a sign of becoming a man in the Islamic culture), losing your virginity, getting your driver's license, graduating high school, turning 18, turning 21...
So many definitions, but very few people abide by these standards. Do you really "become a woman" when you menstrate? But most importantly, will your parents treat you any differently? Probably no. You won't get any new special responsibilities or be allowed to sit at the grown-up table at Thanksgiving. Most of those milestones have happened to me, and the only one I thought would really make me an adult is turning 18. Nope, not treated much differently. Going off to college kind of forces the parental figures to let go and treat you older, but not much. Sure, there are plenty of people my age who maturity wise are about 14 and others who are 27, but my question is not when people mature to adulthood, it is when do parents accept the adulthood of their children? Do they ever?
My guess is no, honestly, because you will forever be your mommy and/or daddy's little girl; I know I will be. Letting go is hard, but that's only the first step. And parents, accepting that you no longer have the ability truly to punish your kid anymore is tough. Your darling angel may go out, get shitfaced drunk, sleep with a random guy, and that there is nothing you can do about it. She has to fuck up on her own; trust that you did enough while she was growing up. Parents who obsess about their child's behavior past the age of, say, 18, and she is no longer living in the house, seem to worry they didn't do enough. And, parents, if you didn't? Tough shit. You can't go back now; what's done is done.
Now that I'm 19, I can usually sit at the "big kid's table" on most occasions. That was a marker of adulthood for me, even though it is not nearly as exciting as I thought it would be. But for my dad? I think that time will come when I'm financially independent. :)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Why you should bother reading this...

I have a blog for my talk show on KRUI, Up Side/Down Side, but was itching to have my very own. What do I have to talk about you may ask? Ha, my life is always pretty fucking crazy...also I was dying to swear on my other one. FUCK! Ah, feel much better now.
Well, little about myself: My name is Molly Jane and I'm from Milwaukee, WI but spend most of my time in Iowa City, IA, where I live during the the school year. I'm a freshman at the University of Iowa, majoring in English with a focus in Creative Writing/Non-Fiction and a minor in Religious Studies.
I went to Divine Savior Holy Angels in Milwaukee, an all-girls Catholic high school. It was an amazing experience, but I realized how little some people know about other cultures and religions. I am Methodist, but when I say a love of religions, I don't mean just my own, I mean all. Seriously people, who doesn't love hearing the crazy fucks in Scientology or learning what really goes on in religious cults or how the Jews explain the Holocaust through the Bible or how Muslims show the relationship between Islam and Christianity??? Just me? Haha, yeah probably.
And the English-part of my education is fairly obvious to anyone who knows me. Though I was known throughout middle school as a theater girl and became a kind of "Theater Queen" in high school, but my love for writing and english has always been prominent. I'm currently working on a novel, Autumn Leaves, and have three more lined up for after the publication of the first. You are supposed to write every day if you're a writer, which I hear often living in a Writer's Living/Learning Community at Iowa.

Alright, now you know my educational background and intrests. Think I'm worth reading? Follow me!

Upcoming: my crazy ass family.