As the title says, I am. I'm far from ordinary (at least, I don't think I'm that usual) but sometimes the things I say or how I look at things is cliche. My sister puts it perfectly: "You are a very cliche person." It's the truth and said with love, but I think it keeps me optimistic at times, which brings me to the focus of this post.
Hope. I feel hopeful, even about things currently that should make me want to curl into a little ball and rock back and forth or bawl my eyes out or scream at the supposed injustice of it all, I'm still hopeful. I'm hopeful that I'll find what I've found here in Ireland back home, that the whole world isn't a total shit hole. I'm hopeful that I will actually make some progress on my writing, as I realize I've written more meaningless crap during lectures here than I wrote in total at any point of last semester in Iowa. I'm hopeful about...well, everything right now! (Even the possibility that I will close Facebook and start working on my essays that I am continuously avoiding...)
Happy. I am happy *whew!* it's been a long time since those three words have come into my brain. The sun is shining even through the rain-streaked sky and a smile, genuine smile, creeps across my face even if there's a tear on my cheek. There's something about this place--Cork, Ireland--that has given me a new outlook on my past, present, and future. Something about Ireland and Europe as a whole seems so full of promise and ambition, lighting the fire under me as well. I've heard people describe America as that, the land of possibility, but I feel it here more so than home. There are loads of reasons I think I feel that way, a more obvious one being that this is a place so far from my home. Most of all though, I think it's because I'm growing up and instead of looking at my adulthood with impending gloom I feel excited, giddy, ready to take the world by storm.
Sixteen days. Sixteen days until April 11th, the three year marker of my mother's death. More than anything in the world, she wanted me to be happy again and worked for that for many years. I am proud to say that after all those years of struggle, heartache, and setbacks, it's finally true.
Thank you, mommy, mama, moomookins, for giving me the tools to allow myself to be happy. When I talk to you at night, I hope you see how your years in my life were not in vain. You have made me strong, confident, able to live my life without the fear that every step I take I will fall. Thank you moomookins, Happy (early) Mother's Day, I love you, and miss you with all my heart.
This is something I wrote a while ago in a poem to my mom that explains myself perfectly:
"Because of you, mom, I am alive. Because of you, mom, I'm still standing. Because of you, mom, I smile. Because of you, mom, I never gave up. And because of you, mom, I never will."
Give you mother a hug today <3