So, I've been writing various tidbits in this notebook of mine while sitting at random sights in Europe or on our long train rides and thought I'd transcribe them, seeing as it would take me forever to describe what has happened so far on this trip of mine. Tomorrow is the halfway point--already done Paris, Rome, Florence, Cinque Terre, Vienna, and Poland, still have to do Prague (cut out Budapest), Athens, Santorini, and Istanbul--which is exciting and...well...actually, mainly exciting. As much as I love traveling, I love being in a "home" environment even more, and that right now is Ireland to me. Anywho, here are some of my random writings:
Focus My Mind
I thought I had an Autumn Leaves revelation, but I think it was more a with than anything. I'm still in a state of shock; I can't accept that I didn't get into the Creative Writing Track. It's not like my faith in my abilities has been shaken, but it's more of a realization of the rejections to come and I wasn't even that emotionally invested in "Thin Red Lines." But with my books? I don't want to be, yet they are a piece of me, my babies. I cannot be naive enough to think possibly I will always be accepted and that everyone will love my writing. I need to focus my mind. Now. No more excuses, Molly Jane, damn it!
Do you ever have that fantasy of just running away? Hopping on some random-ass train and when you're bored of the ride, jump off? I picture myself, standing at the edge of the car facing an open door. My eyes try in vain to focus on the moving gracel and grass that mesh into the smooth lines of an artist's brush stroke. There is no certainty. There is no right or perfect path, even for an individual. Perhaps I have a bit of a self-destructive streak in me (actually, I probably do...) but I love every single "mistake" or "setback" in my life. I wouldn't even classify them as that or "learning experiences"; I'm a wealth of contradictions with my impulsivity and need for a plan. So, do I? Do I intentionally fuck up my life or make it harder on myself as some sort of punishment? Or, instead, am I pushing myself further, faster, stronger with each hiccup? I stand on the edge of the train car, leaning out to feel the strength of the roaring winds. Nothing is holding me back, not my body, brain, or heart. Then it happens...I JUMP! I'm rolling, rolling, faster and faster until WOOSH! I am one with the earth and it is with me. I see the Italian countryside and feel that warmth of my fantasy. Truth be told, I'm not nearly stupid enough to do something like jumping out of a train. However, I like to think to myself: "Nothing is impossibly for the truth lies in inprobability." Sighing contently, I let my eyelids close, soak up the sun's vitamins, and smile.
Florence Hostel Night-time Randoms
I realize now more than ever, lying in my creaky bed at my hostel in Florence (which is strangely quiet because I'm the only person in this four person shared room...), how much I love Natalie, Cassie, and Alicia. It's when things, personal things, go to shit that you realize if peope are truly your friends...and they are. Nat was there for me yesterday with my mom and though she admitted she didn't understand, she was willing to listen and try. Cassie is my silly girl; talking to her about anything is insanely simple and entertaining. Alicia, my dear Alicia, is my partner-in-crime. She's one of the few people I know that's even more histerical when she's laughing. Alicia, Cass, and Nat are my girls through and through. Sure, Nat annoys the fuck out of me sometimes with her strong opinions. Cassie can be a bit whiny. Alicia has a temper that can boil over. Yet, knowing all this, I still love them. They are amazing girls that I'm so blessed to be able to spend so much time with. It's only 9:30pm but I have to wake up at 5am. Mind racing, but body so tired! Sleepy time is a must. Hm, random closing thoughts? I'm breaking out and that makes me sad. I have a lot of hang nails that I should probably cover with bandaids. I miss home. I love Italy. My feet smell horrible right now...yup that's it.
The David--Sitting in the Academia
I'm sitting here staring at Michelangelo's David in utter awe of its immense beauty. Most statues or monuments that I've seen end up being smaller than I originally anticipated. But the David is immense, towering over me and forcing onlookers to crane their heads upwards. Every detail is immaculate; there's not a single flaw in its marble carving. I think I just took my first true breath since I entered a couple minutes ago. My Romantic Literature professor said seeing the David is a life-changing experience. While it may not be that extreme for me, it is an unforgettable one. The effortless grace before me makes up for the two hours I waited in line. The muscles, veins, elbows, knees, even knuckles of the hands are pure perfection.
Auschwitz--Before the Camp
I have read Anne Frank's Diary, Nights, and various other books on the subject. I participated in a Holocaust Rememberance Ceremony in middle school. I played three characters, delivering their raw testimony from the Auschwitz trials, in "The Investigation" my senior year. Last year, I learned even more in my Religious Studies (also a Holstein!) class, Bible and the Holocaust. None of it can even compare to seeing what I will soon see at the end of this bus ride. I remember sitting on the main stage in a circle with my fellow cast members in our black clothing and hair tied up out of our faces. Mr. Stoddard came on to the stage and would read a story for us; sometimes, he would become so emotional that he would have to take breaks. We would be left with our thoughts on stage before filing "backstage" (literally the dressing rooms, since those were used as backstage during Arena Theater productions) to get ready to go on stage. I remember the music, images, and the words spoken during the long and draining production. I was and am grateful for all I know and always hoped I could come to Poland someday for myself, but the reality of it is just now hitting me. I don't think I'll be able to write out my observations of feelings after our tour, but I doubt I will have to in order to remember them.