Hello! I did continue to write in my journal, but feel it would be wise not to post all of my random writings. However, with exams fast approaching as well as my realization that I am completely unprepared for said exams, I felt rather melancholy and started writing a rather shitty poem. Then woke up this morning, feeling slightly less melodramatic, and finished what I started. I feel it's one of my better poems, but I suck at poetry to begin with so it won't be anything spectacular.
Home from traveling and feeling all this weight on my shoulders. Friends running around, trying to get their stuff done and still have enough time for each other is difficult at best without throwing the stress of finals into the mix. Roman Imperial History one tomorrow with Japanese Philosophy Wednesday, though I am far more concerned about Japanese Philosophy. I attended every lecture, took diligent notes, asked questions when need be, and read the documents required...and still have no idea what the hell is going on in the class. My essay for Japanese Philosophy wasn't too bad (especially in comparison to the Roman History one) and there's a participation grade that I should get full marks for, but the perfectionist in me rears its ugly head. That is, I want it to be perfect but keep sitting around waiting for others to entertain me instead of cracking down and getting done what must be. If I don't put my all into this (or at least a good fraction of it) I will never forgive myself. Roman Imperial History shouldn't be too hard and if I start looking at Japanese Philosophy as a series of bullet points instead of this abstract idea of which I cannot wrap my brain around, maybe I'll be okay.
Getting off track though, and speaking of which (I cannot remember if I mentioned this in my previous post): I was not accepted into the Creative Writing Track. I knew I was taking a risk with my piece and alas it didn't pay off as I hoped it would, but I may reapply in the Fall if I come up with something I feel worthy of submission. I've rearranged my schedule and added on a Theater Arts minor, which is something I truly love and can open me up to taking play writing classes and possibly performing said pieces, helping me on my career path and giving me an outlet for my creativity. Was I upset when I found out? Devastated? Sobbed hysterically in a McDonald's in Paris? Yes, yes, and sadly yes, but I'm okay now and who knows? Maybe this slap in the face was just to wake me up to a higher potential.
Anyways, here's the poem, take it or leave it as usual, but needed to express the confusion swirling inside me:
The Truth Is...
The truth is there is no truth
No one, correct answer
No perfect path for us to take
We're all stuck in this fucked up movie called "Life"
And are somehow surprised every time shit hits the fan
When the cameras turn off and the set clears
What are we left with?
Notebooks filled with shitty writing
Poetry that further breaks out hearts at just how shitty it is
Nothing to show for it all
All the hard work
Crumpled papers haphazardly thrown at the trash can
We look to our hands and they are empty
But why does this not just surprise us, but dampen our spirits?
It happens time and time again with similar results
Accepting the unacceptable
Taking that confusion, despair, and heartache
Rolling it all into one giant scream
And thrusting it upon the world!
Let them hear our cries
Focusing that energy into something beautiful
Though, deep down we know
That the beauty will soon be tainted and broken
Let a fake smile be forced across our faces
Until that day it becomes real
Someday, we will roll with the hiccups
And revel in their mystery and uncertainty
Beauty not in some perfection for which we all strive to attain
But in the shit we create.
Now, off to studying, must be productive! Thank God for this blog because it reminds me that even if I'm not in some Writing Track, I still have an outlet for my writing, regardless of who's reading it. It gives me something to do, to create my own shit free of perfection. (but one can dream, can't she?)