This blog is a collection of a young woman's random thoughts, many tangents, and occasional
short stories and novel excerpts. Stay tuned for plenty of bull and brief moments of brilliance.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Looking Inward

This week has ended up looking a lot more stressful than I originally anticipated, but if I focus and don't get too lazy, I should be okay. My relationship is solid, my friends are fabulous, my grades are decent, I still love my job, and I get to see my family soon for Thanksgiving Break. As usual when things are going so well, I take the time to reflect.

A couple days ago I noticed a few negative comments on some of my recent posts. I was saddened that someone could say such hurtful things and was also too cowardly to comment as anything other than "Anonymous." I don't get many comments and having four unnecessary ones made me think. You wonder when you're attacked what you'd say (and usually when you leave the situation, you think of a million other more clever things you could have used) that could be a biting counter, one that would send the other crying in the other direction. There's a fine line though between looking pathetic and petty in the face of childish behavior and standing up for yourself.

This will be my fine line, because I didn't want to leave them unmentioned.

One of the comments was on a random post and something I never expected anyone to say: the things that have gone wrong in my life are entirely my own, interesting. I also love that the person says I'm being immature even though I'm not the one commenting anonymously on some girl's blog that doesn't affect me at all, but that's beside the point. The last statement had to do with me being insecure and trying to convince others I am normal.

Both of those made me laugh. Try to convince people I'm normal?! The time I say I'm normal is when Republicans and Democrats put aside their differences and hug each other lovingly (aka not happening anytime soon). And insecure? Obviously. One could spend ten minutes with me and know without a doubt that I am incredibly insecure, something of which I understand and yet of which I am embarrassed.

It makes me feel weak to admit this about myself, but it is true. I could give thousands of bullshit reasons as to why I am the way I am and it wouldn't change a thing. Is recognizing your insecurity though the first step in the right direction? We are all insecure, some more so than others, but we all feel that pull toward negativity. Daily we try and prove ourselves to coworkers, friends, family, teachers, peers, and most importantly us.

"I'm not good enough."
"I'll never make it."
"Why would anyone love me?"
"I'm ugly and stupid."
"No one respects me."
"I'm sick of trying and failing."

We do it all the time, but why? Million dollar question, I suppose. I can be confident in my writing and other little things, but am I confident in me, Molly Jane? No. Will I be? Yes, someday. "Baby steps," I tell myself, "and you'll get there." So yes, I am insecure and not very confident, but I will be eventually. I have so many positive things in my life and so many people who love and care about me that it's an internal battle I cannot afford to lose.

This Thanksgiving season I'm thankful for all those amazing people in my life...and to the immature commenter on my blog. Thank you for reminding me of my flaws, of which I have many, and reminding me I am capable of overcoming them. I owe you a great big hug, or at least a coffee from Starbucks.

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