This blog is a collection of a young woman's random thoughts, many tangents, and occasional
short stories and novel excerpts. Stay tuned for plenty of bull and brief moments of brilliance.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

A Time of Thanks

As Thanksgiving fast approaches (which just so happens to be my least favorite holiday for various reasons...) I am thinking about for what I am thankful. I look next to me on the couch in the living room in my Wisconsin house and think about how much I love her and so much else in my life. Here are some things I'm thankful for:

I'm thankful for my sister and best friend, Stephie.
I'm thankful for my sweet little bro, Nick.
I'm thankful for my daddy, the greatest man I've ever known.
I'm thankful for my mommy and her influence in my life.
I'm thankful for my dog Lucy and her never-ending adorableness.
I'm thankful for my DSHA friends for our seven years of insanity.
I'm thankful for Michelle and our coffee dates and TV addiction.
I'm thankful for Gianna for her loyalty and support.
I'm thankful for all of my sisters for being there.
I'm thankful for my family for their love.
I'm thankful for Eldon for making me smile and believing in me.
I'm thankful for DSHA for giving me a solid foundation.
I'm thankful for The University of Iowa for letting me explore.
I'm thankful for Ireland, Cork, and UCC for redefining me.
I'm thankful for my faith and somehow not losing it over the years.
I'm thankful for sunrises, sunsets, orange juice, ice cream, coffee, tiny puppies, hedgehogs, pretty dresses, twirly skirts, Converse, fluffy pillows, goodnight kisses, cuddly hugs, smiling, laughing, crying while laughing, standing in the pouring rain and looking up to the skies, stars that sparkle brightly, newspapers with awesome headlines, Facebook, online shopping, school and sometimes homework, glasses, chocolate, black tea, fresh December snow, presents, bold colors, words woven together so beautifully that they make my heart soar...and sleep. Quite thankful for that last one.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Looking Inward

This week has ended up looking a lot more stressful than I originally anticipated, but if I focus and don't get too lazy, I should be okay. My relationship is solid, my friends are fabulous, my grades are decent, I still love my job, and I get to see my family soon for Thanksgiving Break. As usual when things are going so well, I take the time to reflect.

A couple days ago I noticed a few negative comments on some of my recent posts. I was saddened that someone could say such hurtful things and was also too cowardly to comment as anything other than "Anonymous." I don't get many comments and having four unnecessary ones made me think. You wonder when you're attacked what you'd say (and usually when you leave the situation, you think of a million other more clever things you could have used) that could be a biting counter, one that would send the other crying in the other direction. There's a fine line though between looking pathetic and petty in the face of childish behavior and standing up for yourself.

This will be my fine line, because I didn't want to leave them unmentioned.

One of the comments was on a random post and something I never expected anyone to say: the things that have gone wrong in my life are entirely my own fault...hm, interesting. I also love that the person says I'm being immature even though I'm not the one commenting anonymously on some girl's blog that doesn't affect me at all, but that's beside the point. The last statement had to do with me being insecure and trying to convince others I am normal.

Both of those made me laugh. Try to convince people I'm normal?! The time I say I'm normal is when Republicans and Democrats put aside their differences and hug each other lovingly (aka not happening anytime soon). And insecure? Obviously. One could spend ten minutes with me and know without a doubt that I am incredibly insecure, something of which I understand and yet of which I am embarrassed.

It makes me feel weak to admit this about myself, but it is true. I could give thousands of bullshit reasons as to why I am the way I am and it wouldn't change a thing. Is recognizing your insecurity though the first step in the right direction? We are all insecure, some more so than others, but we all feel that pull toward negativity. Daily we try and prove ourselves to coworkers, friends, family, teachers, peers, and most importantly us.

"I'm not good enough."
"I'll never make it."
"Why would anyone love me?"
"I'm ugly and stupid."
"No one respects me."
"I'm sick of trying and failing."

We do it all the time, but why? Million dollar question, I suppose. I can be confident in my writing and other little things, but am I confident in me, Molly Jane? No. Will I be? Yes, someday. "Baby steps," I tell myself, "and you'll get there." So yes, I am insecure and not very confident, but I will be eventually. I have so many positive things in my life and so many people who love and care about me that it's an internal battle I cannot afford to lose.

This Thanksgiving season I'm thankful for all those amazing people in my life...and to the immature commenter on my blog. Thank you for reminding me of my flaws, of which I have many, and reminding me I am capable of overcoming them. I owe you a great big hug, or at least a coffee from Starbucks.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Inscription of Hope

For anyone who doesn't know, music and specifically lyrics shape a large part of my life. Being the cliche person I am I love infusing lyrics into different situations. The first time I heard this song it moved me deeply and I still think of it from time to time...most recently an hour ago. Read the words carefully and take them to heart:

Inscription of Hope
I believe in the sun
Even when it is not shining
And I believe in love
Even when there's no one there

And I believe in God
Even when He is silent
I believe through any trial
There is always a way

But sometimes in this suffering
And hopeless despair
My heart cries for shelter
To know someone's there

But a voice rises within me saying,
"Hold on my child
I'll give you strength, I'll give you hope
Just stay a little while."

I believe in the sun
Even when it is not shining
And I believe in love
Even when there's no one there

And I believe in God
Even when He is silent
I believe through any trial
There is always a way

May there someday be sunshine
May there someday be happiness
May there someday be love
May there someday be peace