Wow, nearly a month since my last posting?! Not okay, Molly Jane, not okay. So much has happened in this last month, positive mainly. Might as well recap first off:
~I'm not failing Latin. I failed my first exam but we all got a retake and I got a B the second time around. This week I just got back my second exam and in class with no extra help I got a C- and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I'm learning so much more this semester with my more engaging professor and am thankful I'm not a complete fucking idiot.
~I'm on top of all my classes and am feeling great. Will it be a 4.0 semester? No, but hell it'll be 10x better than the last.
~I've (hopefully) finally found a place to live next year that's cheap, close to campus, and fully furnished! Score one for the Moll-ster.
~And probably the biggest change: I have a new boyfriend, Alex. I've known him for a semester but our friends set us up (slash forced us to talk to the other) at the end of February and it's been two weeks today. Last night, we were both a bit *ehem* inebriated and he went on an on for almost thirty minutes about how much and why he liked me. Even though we weren't sober, I knew every word was true and he confirmed that this morning.
There was something Alex said to me last night that really stuck with me, something people have been telling me for years and I have a hard time believing: "You're honest and open; you're real. And you don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about you." I told my best friend in my sorority, Gianna, about this and she said, "Well duh, Molly, you don't care what people think."
Could it be true? Could I have conquered one of the hardest lessons in life, being yourself? It seems impossible, really, that I could not care. Then I thought back over this past year and noticed all the people who disliked or liked me almost instantly after meeting me. Friends stuck like glue and enemies (not like a shit ton, granted, I'm a relatively likable person...) came out of the woodwork.
Was it because I was being myself? I pride myself on being open and honest, but lately I've tried for transparency instead of using humor and sarcasm as a shield. I'm trying to be more affectionate and over the past five years or so I've trained myself to be a great listener. I wonder if this is me changing or rather me coming into my own.
I learned all the ins and outs of myself on hikes through Ireland and riding trains through the Italian countryside last year around this time, but couldn't for the life of me figure out how to bring that self discovery back home. Now, after a year, I'm thinking I've got the hang of it. Since I don't care what others think of me, I wonder why I am still so hard on myself.
It's not a lack of self-esteem in retrospect, it's a lack of love for myself. I've found how to show others the real me for better or for worse and most have accepted it...except for me. I'm the one having a hard time believing in this me I'm sharing or at the very least am hesitant of who she is. You learn the good and the bad upon reflection and I think it's the bad with which I'm having a harder time coming to grips.
I'm not an overtly warm person.
I have a horrible habit of thinking I know everything.
My past haunts me more than I admit.
I judge people frequently and harshly.
I assume friends and lovers will abandon me at the drop of a hat.
I talk way too much.
I'm ridiculously hard on myself.
I don't think enough before I speak.
I'm kind of an asshole.
When I look at those things written out (there's probably others that are escaping me at the moment), they don't look too terrible. Instead of trying to raise my self esteem, I need to focus on self love...as creepy as it sounds. I'm coming to see that this is in fact the hardest obstacle in a person's life. Wow, this is really cheesy. I think it's all the sun outside; it's giving me this false sense of perfection. Awe well, time for work.
Side note: spring break starts today. Booyah.