This blog is a collection of a young woman's random thoughts, many tangents, and occasional
short stories and novel excerpts. Stay tuned for plenty of bull and brief moments of brilliance.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Frantic Nighttime Writings

I don't know what it is, but I need to write. I don't have something about which to write, but I need this right now. I look at my fingers and they are literally trembling as they hover above the keys. They feel like your legs when you've been sitting on a plane for hours and need to walk, but it's stronger than that. I need to RUN.

I need a release here, a writing orgasm of some sort, an euphoric explosion of emotion on the page. My scribblings in my notebooks during class are becoming more and more frantic. I am itching all over, like I took a shit ton of Adderall and can't calm down. My heartbeat is too fast; I am chaos. Wow, that was a sad attempt at being "artsy."

However, it's 11 o'clock at night and I'm exhausted from a few too many late-nights working on papers and studying. I'm burned out from the year and want to relax...but these pesky hands...they are drumming themselves on my a fucking crack addict begging for their fix...I need to stop using drug metaphors as though I know what I'm talking about...

I want to yell at my hands and say, "NO! Just wait a couple more weeks til summer and then you can write as much as you want. Finally get Autumn Leaves done with and move on with your writing career. In fact, make a writing career for yourself. Get writing before you forget all these brief moments of brilliance swirling in your brain. Write down all these ideas before they disappear. Write like it's your job...write like you still want it to be your job."

So I'll go downstairs to the basement of my sorority house, try to find some food in the kitchen, and take a breath, maybe read the paper. Tomorrow I'll go on with my day, nothing too exciting, with initiation and senior ceremony at night.

Alex will take me to the bookstore in the afternoon and buy me a present because he's a sweetheart. Perhaps I will coerce him into letting me stay over after initiation is done late at night...damn it'll be like 10:30pm. I like sleeping in his bed, with his arm around my torso, as I smile into the pillow.

Next week is the last week of classes, then finals will come. After that I'll move into my new apartment for the summer with Gianna and we'll both start our, more or less, full-time jobs. Work open to close Tues-Thurs, rest of the time to myself. Four days a week, completely free. My boyfriend will be off at his big boy internship and everyone will be working.

And what will I do with myself? I will fucking write. Why? Because I need to; desire is no longer, no, can no longer be a requirement. I must write, or else let my dreams fail, or create more obscenely high stakes. Maybe I should go to bed before I get even more dramatic. My fingers are slowing down. I hope that's enough for them for now.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Pretty Nails and Finals Panic

I say "pretty nails" because I'm currently obsessed with my new manicure: it's this pale baby blue color with a sparkly magenta on the ring finger nail since that's the in thing right now I guess. Pretty nails can definitely brighten up your mood of which I am in need.

This past week kind of sucked overall. On Monday I skipped my first class since I felt like shit last weekend after a bit too much partying and having a bit of a cold I couldn't shake. Tuesday, I woke up early to finish a paper, went back to bed for a half hour more, and then woke up at 10:30am meaning I overslept my first class. Later Tuesday I found out the apartment I was supposed to get in the fall suddenly wasn't being rented to me anymore since the landlord didn't "feel like it." Then I showed up to a lecture for my scholarship that was mysteriously canceled without any of us knowing...and I kinda blew up.

Wednesday was fine, no real complaints. Thursday, my best friend was super pissed at me (rightly so, I fucked up) and I overslept my first class AGAIN because my alarm didn't go off. After our Greek Week celebrations, I walked home when it started pouring rain. I made my boyfriend come pick me up and take me back to the frat house since I was so upset. Friday I skipped my first class since I wasn't feeling well again (seriously, this cold is way too on and off) but Friday night was fine and Saturday I had fun too. Today didn't feel well again and called in sick for work (which I hate doing but I hope my bosses realize I just have a shitty immune system and I'm not a flake) but we had senior wills in my sorority today so that made my day better.

Out of all the grade levels, the seniors seem to like me the most and it will kill me to see them leave. Six or seven of them gave me gifts specifically and I felt insanely special to know they thought of me. Also though, it made me realize how emotional I'll get this time next year when I have to say goodbye to my sorority sisters and all my university friends.

In about a year, I'll be graduating from the University of Iowa and getting my BA in English.

That doesn't even sounds real, seem real, feel real, but it is. How can I be graduating already? All that stands between me and graduation is two major classes, three classes for each minor, a couple electives, and last level of Latin. "It's happening way too fast," I keep telling myself, "I can't graduate yet. No way."

I'm 21, have supportive friends, a fantastic boyfriend, a loving family, a great sorority, and decent grades. I'm proud of how well I've done in college and how I've learned the concept of having a social life to some degree. Even though I'm not sure exactly where I'll be off to in the summer of 2013, I'm excited to find out where I'll end up with my life.

People keep asking me more and more what I'm doing with my life BESIDES writing and that's the trickier question because I have no concrete answers. I say it depends on where I am a year from now, mainly romantically. If I'm in a committed long-term relationship, that will have a lot of influence on where I go.  Because of my major I can essentially go wherever I want after school and would be willing to "follow my man" if his career path was more defined.

If I'm not for one reason or another, I want to end up in Milwaukee or Chicago, probably Iowa City for a couple years at first. Even though it's been two months I could see myself still with Alex this time next year, but if I am single I'll float around. I want to start a family by the time I'm thirty and that gives me a good eight years or so to figure out what the fuck I'm doing. I'd miss Wisconsin, I really would, but I also love the atmosphere of the Chicago area.

More on my mind right now are finals, this summer, and fall housing. Fall housing is still entirely up in the air but I'm not that worried since there are plenty of options, even last minute. For finals I have one in Shakespeare, one in Latin, and that's it. I have a final showcase in Performing Autobiography, scene performance in Basic Acting II, and a reflection paper in Religion and Pop Culture. Not too bad for the end of the year...and yet somehow I'm still stressed...but why?

Maybe I get stressed this year regardless of a need for a good reason. I have a lot of shit to do still and no motivation to do any of my work. I have an in-class writing I should prepare for briefly tonight and write my Shakespeare paper tonight as well since the night before it's due is my anniversary with Alex. Then, read about Afrofuturism, but I'll probably do that before the paper because I won't want to write about the meaning behind suicides in Antony and Cleopatra.

Plenty on my mind, not enough focus or drive, cliche words always...all the usual it seems. A little quote for today though:
"You're only as strong as the man beside you, the sisters behind you, and the heels beneath you. TSM."

Saturday, April 7, 2012

End of The Year Laziness

It hits us all, doesn't it? That period after spring break when you want to be like, "Fuck it all," and sit outside in the sun instead of studying your ass off? Except for myself, since I'm a sad pale female who hates being exposed to sunshine for long.

I just updated my countdown on my Google homepage to change from my sorority's formal that was last weekend to the end of the school year. Only 35 days to go. 35 days? I can hardly fathom that time. How is it that I'm this close to being a senior in college?

You get to that point of the year when you think, "Well, this will be a stressful week," and you look in your planner to see how bad the coming weeks look...and they look worse. Much worse. I have two papers I'll need to write next weekend which I cannot write now since I haven't seen the movie or play I'll need to watch for the papers. On top of that, my boyfriend's sister is getting married next Saturday, so that means Sunday will be hell on earth.

During this coming week, Wednesday is the four year mark for my mom which brings about obvious breakdowns and sadness. I feel bad for my boyfriend, Alex, because I'll need taking care of even though he's stressing out hardcore. He understands though and says he'll be there for me and I know he will, but I still feel bad nonetheless.

The next week I'll need to crank out another Shakespeare paper which I have no idea how to write. Scratch that: I don't know what the fuck to write about. This has become the usual though, no? Beyond that, I'll have to prepare for a Shakespeare exam which I can only imagine will be terrifying.

Religion and Contemporary Pop Culture is pretty much done with since I finished my position paper, but I don't really know how I'm doing in the class. My participation score should be excellent but my grades across the board have been B's. We've had a couple super short papers that I got check minuses on and I'm guessing I'll get a B overall.

Latin is decent at the moment in that I'm not failing. Hoping to pull out a C-? That might be a bit too hopeful. Having a tutor this semester was a lifesaver and I'll definitely need one next semester as well. Only one more semester, I keep telling myself, only one more then no more Latin ever.

Performing Autobiography is going great and I expect an A in that course. I'm thrilled for my third piece which examines the different types of sex a person can have and how each sexual experience strips you of your innocence and makes you more vulnerable. I will literally be stripping down to my bra for this piece. First performance is Tuesday and I hope it does well.

Basic Acting II has ended up being kinda a bitch to deal with since the instructor is a ridiculously hard grader. You give me a B on journal entries for a theater class and a B- on a reflection paper? Really?! I'm pretty sure if I get lower than a B+ in an acting course I'll end up punching someone.

Work is fine and I'll be working 40 hours a week in the summer and hopefully will have Friday through Sunday off. I've figured out living arrangements for the summer and the fall...pretty much...and will confirm these things in the coming weeks.

With so much planning and running around like a crazy, I'm desperately trying to find time for myself. Whether it's squeaking in an episode of TV, spending the night at Alex's frat house, having a drink with my friends, or grabbing coffee with my bestie, my me-time is far and few between.

The other day I got a check in the mail for a reimbursement of $150 the Credit Union still owed me from my old savings account with them. Maybe some retail therapy will help with my impending stress. In the meantime though, writing shitty and unfocused blog entries will have to be enough.