This past Saturday, after much hemming and hawing, I came to a final decision I've been wrestling with for about a year now. After being in Ireland, I discovered a lot about myself and wondered how I'd incorporate it into my life back here in America. And with that challenge this year I've figured out who I am and who I am not in this country and at my university.
I decided to quit my sorority.
Yes, I gave two years to the organization, but I think it's time I move on. I think at the end of the day I'm not meant for the Greek community. Maybe I'm simply not meant for my specific chapter...but that's beside the point. I'm grateful to my sorority for giving me the friends it has and the leadership opportunities as well. It's been a bittersweet last couple days, wrestling with how this will all unfold.
I know not everyone in the chapter knows yet and I did not know how to tell everyone; I texted a couple close friends, told my boyfriend and my immediate family, and that's about it. When I was on the phone with my dad, I was sobbing, the reality of the situation hitting me squarely in the chest. This was my senior year and it would not be the same as the last two. I looked through my photos and it hurt to think those were now memories.
I wondered how my senior year would go as I sat in my apartment, packing up sorority memorabilia and shirts. I paused with my badge, looking at the M.J.S. engraving and my initiation date. It will be hardest of all to give back that beautiful golden pin. I gave my lavalier to my roommate who has misplaced hers and most of my shirts as well for her future Little. I will keep my paddle I think or give it back to my Big Sister. Thank God my boyfriend is okay with dating a GDI (kidding).
I wanted to make it through one more year, graduate with my badge and my colored ropes, gather more memories. I wish I could push aside my doubts and trepidations and suck it up, but truthfully I think I'll be happier flying solo this year. Of the people I have told, almost everyone agrees with my decision, that I will have a better year than this last one and feel less pressure and stress. It helps to have the support of my family and friends...yet some of me will always miss being part of Greek life.
This is cheesy, I know, but these songs have been running through my head the past four days, specifically these lyrics:
"I'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled
I start to compromise
My life and the purpose
Is it all worth it,
Am I gonna turn out fine?
Oh you'll turn out fine."
"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes you a fighter
Footsteps even lighter."
"And in the end, you're still my friend, at least we did indend
For us to work, we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am."