Senior year is fully in swing and I'm feeling lost. After two weeks of tears and bad decisions, I'm wondering what I'm trying to do here exactly. My only solace is thinking to the future. The real issue is a feeling of loss overall. I lost my sorority, one of my closest friends, my boyfriend, my previously super thin body, and my will to care about school in the slightest.
So you could say I'm being a bit of a downer.
Senioritis is killing my hardcore. Right now I should be doing a literal translation for Catullus for my Latin Poetry class. Which is funny...because our teacher directed us to three websites with full translations...so what's the assignment again? Copy down exactly what we see from the interweb? Gotcha.
Then there's this playwriting class I'm taking. I don't know why, but I'm over writing classes in general. I'm sick of bullshitting assignments week after week. I'm supposed to write a monologue about a character I created in class. In class I was bored so I made a horrible character, not thinking it would be the assignment. Now I have to make up some story about a transvestite model keeping the secret from his wife and wanting to be able to model fully as a woman and fully as a man. Shoot me now.
The classes I'm actually enjoying are Children's Literature and Banned from the Bible. The subject material alone makes them awesome as well as the professors. I could do without my HIV/AIDS English class for bringing me down every Tues/Thurs morning. For real.
Knowing that the baby twins are at home growing up without me is hard. Some days I wish they would poof here magically and I could hold their little hands and kiss their little heads and let them sleep on my chest. That would be heaven. I miss all my siblings dreadfully after not spending a summer with them. It's challenging knowing they are going on with their lives without me there beside them. I miss my sister like no tomorrow. I miss my best friend who lives in Cedar Rapids. I miss my high school friends.
Basically, I miss everything I feel like I've lost.
I've been listening to music a lot lately, using it to boost my mood. And this song in particular is one I hum under my breath daily. I'm hoping it'll help eventually.
"Some nights I stay out cashing in my bad luck.
Some nights I call it a draw.
Some nights I wish my lips could build a castle.
Some nights I wish they'd just fall off.
But I still wake up,
I still see your ghost.
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for.
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights I don't know anymore."
I know I won't hurt like this forever, and I miss a lot of things. Who knows though, maybe all of this needed to happen for me to be built back up. Let's get this show on the road.