My desire to get A's? I think I lost that desire about two years ago, the semester before I went to Ireland. My semester in Ireland, as I've said before, created this sense of apathy I've since been unable to shake. Drinking a couple beers, sitting around and talking to friends, writing random shit, and having fun in general became a better idea.
This apathy set in even more when I realized I wasn't going to grad school. I still want to graduate with at least a 3.0, but currently that seems insanely reasonable. I'd have to tank pretty far to ruin my current one. Putting in just enough effort has worked for the past couple years, then buckling down for exams.
I stressed so much in high school, as at DSHA grades defined you in a way (at least they did for me). Being on honor roll was expected, high honors was desired. I did it all eight semesters, but in college I've managed Dean's list only twice. Not bad, but it wasn't done with as much pressure as the other ones were.
What I'm trying to say is this: coasting without bullshitting absolutely everything has made me much happier. I can write a five page paper the night before it's due, even hours, and snag a high B. I have to study hours upon hours though to get a D+ on a Latin exam, but that's a different story. I churn out creative writing assignments quickly and efficiently. Memorizing religious studies facts is easy enough.
Maybe it's more that I've gotten the hang of schooling after sixteen years. I know how to play the system and end up close to the top without killing myself over it. Grades used to be my end-all-be-all; a C on a test meant failure. Getting a B on a paper meant I was lazy. An A was expected...and this was all pressure I put on myself. Not my parents, me.
Things in life come and try to stunt our happiness. Friends can come and go, men can make your heart soar or fall to pieces, teachers can make you feel small, work can push you to your limits of patience. At the end of the day though you have to remember one thing: a couple months from now you'll look back and laugh at how ridiculous life can be.
When I look back on freshman year, I'm surprised I survived to a certain extent. But I giggle at what I thought were the most important things. Life throws you curve balls. Family decides you don't quite have enough on your plate and bombards you about your future. And sometimes still, God loves to fuck with you.
We all want a break every now and then, and for me, it's been school. I love school now and always, but more so since I stopped giving, for lack of a better word, so many fucks. Not zero fucks given, but pretty damn close. And to be perfectly honest that's enough for me right now. I'm happy with how I've been living my life.
I'll still make my family proud and such and get my B.A., but I'll remember to be happy. I'll remember to stop and pray every now and then when it becomes to much. I'll remember the people who are there through every storm through which I've suffered. Friends who are there no matter what, and the joy of budding friendships, keep me going. They really do.
As much as I hate the majority of my classes this semester, am heartbroken, am terrified of my future career, am worried I'll never finish my books, am missing my baby siblings, I know this: I love who I am far too much to fall back down. So take a break and take a breath. Stop taking everything so seriously for once. Drink a beer and relax.