Saturday, October 13, 2012
Insights, Wisdom, and Random
Sometimes, mainly on campus or at bars in Iowa City, I feel old as fuck. In some of my classes though there are adults and they think I'm adorable and sweet and little. When I go home next weekend I'll be one of the kids again, regardless of the fact I'm twenty one years old. And at work I feel slightly older mainly because I've been there three years now. And in my room I am...me.
I forgot what it was like to be alone a lot. I'm not talking lonely, but alone (yes, Kelly Clarkson lyrics did just run through my head...damn). Sitting alone in my room is refreshing, though I do eventually start talking to myself. I find myself thinking a lot more, not only about sad things but about my life in general.
Am I lonely sometimes? Do I wake up in the middle of the night wondering why there isn't someone next to me? Do I stop periodically on a walk home from class and feel a pain in my stomach? Do I want to scream every so often, "Fuck all this shit," and cry? Yes, yes, yes, yes, but the difference is now, two months later, it's not everyday. I have good days and bad...today is somewhere in between.
I love the rain. When I'm feeling so-so, not horrible melancholy but a tad, and of course a bit reminiscent, it's the perfect setting. I'll cuddle up under my covers for a couple minutes and stare out my window, watch the gloomy skies swirl and grow and flutter away. They are like ripples throughout the sky; it's beautiful. If I'm feeling happy, the rain rarely can ruin that. If I'm feeling like shit, I'm like, "Well at least someone understands! Thanks, God!"
Anyways, where was I...ah yes, feeling old. Senior year has been interesting, mainly in that for the first time in my sixteen+ years of schooling I hate school. Studying for midterms? Oh, you mean briefly glossing over my study guide minutes beforehand (slight exaggeration)? Seriously though, fuck studying.
When I see people studying feverishly, I assume they are not seniors, trying to get into a really tough grad program, or never went to class and are now freaking out. A girl in my religion class studied with me briefly and I caught sight of her epic study guide. Thirteen pages long, two facts on each topic and color-coded. And she's a senior, trying to get into grad school, but still.
Holy fuck, did I suddenly feel inadequate.
People going off to grad school? I'm starting to be envious of you. Even though I'm over school, I don't want to grow up. Nope. Nope. Nope. I need to stop being friends with so many juniors, because it's giving me this false sense of security in thinking I don't have to graduate in the spring. People are like, oh what's your job gonna be?
I think I've given about four different answers, most of them lies...because the truth is I have no fucking idea. Sorry people. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces of my heart here and keep on top of school work without imploding, and you want me to give you a five-year plan? Fine then, I'll do what I do best: bullshit my way out of it.
And that's my insight for the day, children: bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Knowing how to bullshit will get you far in life, or at least far enough to survive. If I didn't have such keen powers of bullshit-able-ness, I would have actually had to give a flying fuck about plays I've gone to see or random articles I've read.
Those short reflection pieces you have to write so often? BULLSHIT TO THE RESCUE! Knowing a fair amount in a couple subjects (for me, that would be the Bible, Shakespeare, Harry Potter, literary theory, basic mythology) will help greatly, along with some basic creative writing skills. Take your limited knowledge about this vast world and apply it to any situation.
Do you have any idea how many times I've used one random mythological story in an English class to sound smart? Or spouted off facts about biblical women in a religion class based off of the facts I had to memorize in high school biblical studies? Or used philosophical ideas I learned in Harry Potter to make way in a roundabout drunken discussion? Far too many times, my friends.
I'm reminded of Jon Stewart's phrase during his mock debate with O'Reily: bullshit mountain. It was a mythical place where hardcore conservatives lived (mainly FOX news). I'm not saying one should live on bullshit mountain, but while in school, a couple field trips never hurt anyone.
As long as you remember you're talking out of your ass, you'll survive with your soul intact.