This blog is a collection of a young woman's random thoughts, many tangents, and occasional
short stories and novel excerpts. Stay tuned for plenty of bull and brief moments of brilliance.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I'm Freaking Hilarious and Other Realizations

Over the years I've gathered a couple things about myself, more personal than overall thoughts on the world. Some things I've learned:
  • I need alcohol to produce creative writing. Not a lot, albeit, but a beer or a glass of wine goes a long way.
  • I spend far too much time on Facebook.
  • I will never have the wardrobe or fashion sense I try to portray on my Pinterest. Or make those crafts. Or cook that food. Basically, my online life is an utter fantastical lie.
  • I can never date anyone who can't have intellectual conversations, and nerd-tastical conversations about Harry Potter. Or at the very least, share my love for it.
  • Love can sneak up on you, and it can shatter you completely. It can make you happier than you thought possible and make you want the world to end. But I've never thought it wasn't worth it.
  • New friends are a tricky thing. If someone has crazy eyes, they are probably a bit crazy. If someone tells you someone is not a good person, listen. Follow your gut.
  • Any guy who texts you past 12am (who you aren't dating) isn't worth your time.
  • People don't like sad people. If you're sad, write it in your journal or dream diary or make a sad video or something. Bitching to people about your petty feelings will win no friends.
  • I sometimes forget how much I love to read. And not on some electronic device; I want to read a real paper book. I want to crack the spine and smell the new book smell.
  • Having a combo of pop culture knowledge as well as current events will make social situations bearable.
  • Rarely say no to an invitation to do something. Not wanting to put pants on isn't a good excuse. It's way too easy to shut the world out and sit in the dark.
  • You can love something even if you suck at it. Examples: Latin, dancing, and singing.
  • I can get into funks rather easily. It takes really special friends to pull me out of them, and I have to remember I have those special people in my life.
  • Cutting is never the answer, it only makes things worse.
  • Drugs are rarely the answer, it only dulls pain.
  • Sex with and kissing strangers is sometimes the answer, because things are fun.
  • Alcohol is almost always the answer, as long as you aren't by yourself.
  • I like to think I'm funnier than I am...
  • Scratch that, I am as funny as I think I am. Totes.
  • I avoided long hair for far too long simply out of stubbornness. 
  • Popular things don't always suck, but sometimes they really really do.
  • My life is pretty swell, and I forget that often.
  • Having a big family is actually kinda awesome.
  • Sleep is the shit. So is chocolate. And pokey sticks. Pretty much anything greasy or fatty or unproductive.
  • As unproductive as I am, I am ridiculously effective at bullshitting.
  • Being nice to everyone may make some people thing I'm weak, but the truth is I'm too lazy to waste energy on being nasty. 

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Trying to Write Something Productive

*No, this blog does not count as productivity...though I like to think it does sometimes.*

I'm sitting on my bed in the dark since my light bulb has been out since the beginning of September and my desk lamp just went out.  I'm currently using a flashlight to get around. There is something terribly pathetic about this.

I'm buzzing a bit and contemplating going out for some more liquor, just so I can say I left the house at least once today. On my days off of work I rarely leave the house and spend all my time on the Facebook, Netflix, Hulu, imgur, Pinterest, and so on. I feel unproductive but isn't that what winter break is all about?

As I'm sitting here, tipsy, I opened up a Word document I haven't touched in ages: Autumn Leaves. Looking at it made me feel sick. I was typing up my New Year's Resolutions and finishing my book was on it for the bajillionth time. Last year I swore to myself it would get done. And I failed yet again.

So I looked at the five or so pages I wrote over the summer. They were pretty good and I could see the growth from the beginning, so much so that making it all connect will be tiring. I wrote about a sentence before I opened up this blog entry.

Every time I try to write, that is, anything of substance, I feel defeated. All of my writing from this semester revolved around a couple key themes: sex, religion, death. My teacher thought it was intentional but truthfully, it was laziness. I feel like I wasted all those playwriting opportunities.

And instead I've spent so much time away from Autumn Leaves that the very notion of working on it is enough for me to give up. Part of me thinks I should stop trying to finish it, at least for a bit, and work on something else instead?

The thing I'm thinking about is my trilogy The Mystieks. In my early writing days of middle/high school, I had my "publishing career" all mapped out: Autumn Leaves, Kay Kiyou, The Mystieks, Mystieks II: Beyond the Barriers, Mystieks III: Thy Kingdom Come, All We've Got, Imaginary. But the more and more I try to finish Autumn Leaves, the more I wonder if it really should be finished.

It was a silly middle school love story and a high school darker story combined. There are parts of it I loved but parts I can't seem to work with, and I think that's what's scaring me away more than the fear of doing actual work.

Mystieks, honestly, seems like more fun to write. I've been punishing myself for a while over finishing Autumn Leaves first before anything else. But why? Why not work on something else for a bit? In the long run, there is no way I can see Autumn Leaves being better than The Mystieks, so why not have some fun ad go back to my doomed project some other time?

Maybe some time away from Autumn and Jake and Bethany and Lily is exactly what I need. I need to be writing something I'm interested in at this moment rather than something I've been struggling to finish since my sophomore year in high school.

Mock book cover for The Mystieks
Perhaps I'll go out, buy some more wine, and see what I can make (or just buy the wine).

Friday, January 4, 2013

Holy Crap, it's 2013.

I can barely wrap my brain around the fact that it's already twenty thirteen. I remember graduating high school in '09 and thinking '13 was so far away. Amazing how quickly time can catch up with you. In only a few short months, I'll be graduating with my BA and trying to find a job in this world.

It's been a trying semester, there's no doubt. But so it goes, 'eh? I've had about five months now of general unhappiness in the social, academic, and love life categories. I know, I know, "New year, new me," blah blah bullshit. I'm trying to look on the bright side of things. I'm trying to ignore the negativity in my head.

It wasn't the worst semester I've ever had, but it's up there in the ranks. The whole sullen-emo-woe is me thing though is getting tiresome. I've learned over the years that few want to hear about your problems, especially if there is no instant, concrete solution. The chin up, buck up mentality rings true for what we expect of one another.

I think the idea is that, "My life isn't perfect either buddy, so stop your moping and get over yourself." I'm also pretty sure some people think the only reason I've had a tough semester is because of my breakup a couple months ago. Personally, that would be a rather silly reason to lose it. Was it hard for a month or so there? Yeah it was, but I've been single before; it doesn't destroy me.

There's been this lingering loneliness that isn't directly connected to any boy problems, but a whole mess of things. Hell, I was lucky to have as great of a relationship as I did with Alex, even if it did end. To think this is the reason I'm unhappy is to assume I consider relationships to be my sole identity. I'm fairly certain that isn't the case.

No, it isn't that I don't have friends. I do and it's been nice reconnecting with ones I had long ignored whilst wrapped up in sorority life and sorority drama. I also discovered over the semester which sorority friends actually wanted to be a part of my life. Leaving DZ was hard, but it's been the right decision.

It's not issues with my family. I've actually felt more stability with my family since the birth of the twins than I've felt since my mother's death. As I've gotten older and had my step-family more in my life, I feel a more organic connection rather than anything forced. I love every single member of my family.

It most likely boils down to fear of the future and fear of the uncontrollable, and even things I can control like career path. I feel these deadlines and expectations and realizations closing in on me by the day and it's exhausting. How can I possibly make it work out there in the real world?

I hate that phrase, "real world," as though I've been living in some parallel universe for the past four years. No, I have not. I have not been living in some fantasy land of booze and parties and freedom (though, in Iowa City, that is an accurate description of a weekend downtown...). The "real world" doesn't start at any one point; it's a continuous thing one deals with always.

The "real world" makes it sound like it's a slap in the face I'm going to get as a graduation present as soon as I cross the stage in May. Adults say it to us college seniors with a smile and a laugh as though it's some big secret hell hole we're waiting to enter. And guess what, adults, it scares the shit out of us when you do that!

You don't need to scare me into caring about my future. I do that to myself on a daily basis plenty, thank you very much. The more people ask me about future plans, the more stress is piled on me. So please, for the love of God, let me enjoy my final semester in college without having to give you a detailed five year bullet point plan.

(I say this as much to the adults in my life as I do to myself)