This blog is a collection of a young woman's random thoughts, many tangents, and occasional
short stories and novel excerpts. Stay tuned for plenty of bull and brief moments of brilliance.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Holy Crap, it's 2013.

I can barely wrap my brain around the fact that it's already twenty thirteen. I remember graduating high school in '09 and thinking '13 was so far away. Amazing how quickly time can catch up with you. In only a few short months, I'll be graduating with my BA and trying to find a job in this world.

It's been a trying semester, there's no doubt. But so it goes, 'eh? I've had about five months now of general unhappiness in the social, academic, and love life categories. I know, I know, "New year, new me," blah blah bullshit. I'm trying to look on the bright side of things. I'm trying to ignore the negativity in my head.

It wasn't the worst semester I've ever had, but it's up there in the ranks. The whole sullen-emo-woe is me thing though is getting tiresome. I've learned over the years that few want to hear about your problems, especially if there is no instant, concrete solution. The chin up, buck up mentality rings true for what we expect of one another.

I think the idea is that, "My life isn't perfect either buddy, so stop your moping and get over yourself." I'm also pretty sure some people think the only reason I've had a tough semester is because of my breakup a couple months ago. Personally, that would be a rather silly reason to lose it. Was it hard for a month or so there? Yeah it was, but I've been single before; it doesn't destroy me.

There's been this lingering loneliness that isn't directly connected to any boy problems, but a whole mess of things. Hell, I was lucky to have as great of a relationship as I did with Alex, even if it did end. To think this is the reason I'm unhappy is to assume I consider relationships to be my sole identity. I'm fairly certain that isn't the case.

No, it isn't that I don't have friends. I do and it's been nice reconnecting with ones I had long ignored whilst wrapped up in sorority life and sorority drama. I also discovered over the semester which sorority friends actually wanted to be a part of my life. Leaving DZ was hard, but it's been the right decision.

It's not issues with my family. I've actually felt more stability with my family since the birth of the twins than I've felt since my mother's death. As I've gotten older and had my step-family more in my life, I feel a more organic connection rather than anything forced. I love every single member of my family.

It most likely boils down to fear of the future and fear of the uncontrollable, and even things I can control like career path. I feel these deadlines and expectations and realizations closing in on me by the day and it's exhausting. How can I possibly make it work out there in the real world?

I hate that phrase, "real world," as though I've been living in some parallel universe for the past four years. No, I have not. I have not been living in some fantasy land of booze and parties and freedom (though, in Iowa City, that is an accurate description of a weekend downtown...). The "real world" doesn't start at any one point; it's a continuous thing one deals with always.

The "real world" makes it sound like it's a slap in the face I'm going to get as a graduation present as soon as I cross the stage in May. Adults say it to us college seniors with a smile and a laugh as though it's some big secret hell hole we're waiting to enter. And guess what, adults, it scares the shit out of us when you do that!

You don't need to scare me into caring about my future. I do that to myself on a daily basis plenty, thank you very much. The more people ask me about future plans, the more stress is piled on me. So please, for the love of God, let me enjoy my final semester in college without having to give you a detailed five year bullet point plan.

(I say this as much to the adults in my life as I do to myself)

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