I'm sitting on my bed in the dark since my light bulb has been out since the beginning of September and my desk lamp just went out. I'm currently using a flashlight to get around. There is something terribly pathetic about this.
I'm buzzing a bit and contemplating going out for some more liquor, just so I can say I left the house at least once today. On my days off of work I rarely leave the house and spend all my time on the Facebook, Netflix, Hulu, imgur, Pinterest, and so on. I feel unproductive but isn't that what winter break is all about?
As I'm sitting here, tipsy, I opened up a Word document I haven't touched in ages: Autumn Leaves. Looking at it made me feel sick. I was typing up my New Year's Resolutions and finishing my book was on it for the bajillionth time. Last year I swore to myself it would get done. And I failed yet again.
So I looked at the five or so pages I wrote over the summer. They were pretty good and I could see the growth from the beginning, so much so that making it all connect will be tiring. I wrote about a sentence before I opened up this blog entry.
Every time I try to write, that is, anything of substance, I feel defeated. All of my writing from this semester revolved around a couple key themes: sex, religion, death. My teacher thought it was intentional but truthfully, it was laziness. I feel like I wasted all those playwriting opportunities.
And instead I've spent so much time away from Autumn Leaves that the very notion of working on it is enough for me to give up. Part of me thinks I should stop trying to finish it, at least for a bit, and work on something else instead?
The thing I'm thinking about is my trilogy The Mystieks. In my early writing days of middle/high school, I had my "publishing career" all mapped out: Autumn Leaves, Kay Kiyou, The Mystieks, Mystieks II: Beyond the Barriers, Mystieks III: Thy Kingdom Come, All We've Got, Imaginary. But the more and more I try to finish Autumn Leaves, the more I wonder if it really should be finished.
It was a silly middle school love story and a high school darker story combined. There are parts of it I loved but parts I can't seem to work with, and I think that's what's scaring me away more than the fear of doing actual work.
Mystieks, honestly, seems like more fun to write. I've been punishing myself for a while over finishing Autumn Leaves first before anything else. But why? Why not work on something else for a bit? In the long run, there is no way I can see Autumn Leaves being better than The Mystieks, so why not have some fun ad go back to my doomed project some other time?
Maybe some time away from Autumn and Jake and Bethany and Lily is exactly what I need. I need to be writing something I'm interested in at this moment rather than something I've been struggling to finish since my sophomore year in high school.
|Mock book cover for The Mystieks|