Three days ago I had the first mild flashback I've had in years.
I guess it was a bit cocky of me to think those days were entirely behind me, but a girl can always hope. It was the smell of a perfume insert that triggered it and while it was not nearly as bad as others, it was still jarring and affected me for a couple hours.
I didn't think much of it, just ignored it and went about my weekend, until about an hour ago. On the way home from a long-ish lunch shift I was listening to the radio on the drive. The song "Brave" by Sara Bareilles came on and I started singing along. Zipping down the Coralville strip, I sang happily to the upbeat and inspirational lyrics.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I started bawling. I'm talking big puppy dog tears for no particular reason. Sure I could stretch and try to connect the song to my childhood but I feel like it would be a reach. Maybe it was a combination of the cloudy skies and that I'm moving in six weeks and stressed about that, but what I had been holding in for days came tumbling out.
After the song was over, I dried my eyes, deposited some money at the bank, and was fine.
Now this could be a depressing story of the past haunting me and my inability to handle "flare ups" but I'd rather not see it that way. To me, I was faced with an issue, dealt with it in the only way I knew how, and moved on. I broke down a bit and was still okay at the end.
I look back at all the therapy over the years and wonder how much of it really helped me. I think back on that a lot, actually. But beyond that I wonder when I "became okay" and able to handle all of these emotions. I wish there was a more concrete marker for such an event besides crying and getting over it but I cannot find one. It was a journey, as these things often are, but it feels good to have some level of control in my life.
The stress of the impending move is coming at me full speed. From waiting to hear if the LongHorn in Schaumburg will take me (my manager said it's almost a guarantee...but almost scares me), to finding someone to take my current apartment, to finding one in the Northwest suburbs that will take Lucy and me, it's amazing I'm not curled up in a ball.
It's days like today that remind me I am capable of handling all of this and I can make it work. Sometimes you need to fall apart a little to remember you can pick up the pieces and bounce back.